20 Quotes about Abusive Control

Control comes in many forms including physical, sexual, and/or emotional/psychological abuse. It may involve controlling a person through finances, controlling their comings and goings, what they wear, how or when they speak, who they spend time with, what they do with their time, and so on. I’m not referring to parents who place healthy boundaries around their children out of love here. I’m talking about adult relationships and adult relationships with minors that involve a destructive or unhealthy force of control. Put simply, anyone who tries to exert strict control over another person in a way that is harmful or degrading is abusive. When a person restricts or restrains another’s freedom to think or act according to their own free will while squelching their individuality or dignity, it is control. Abuse is always about control.

Violence never belongs in relationships. Control does not equal love. -Dr. Lynne Namka

One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs. -Lundy Bancroft

When people encounter controlling behavior, they often feel “erased”, as if, to the perpetrator, they don’t exist. -Patricia Evans

Controllers may target someone’s emotional, social, financial or physical well-being, but their most effective target is a person’s self-identity. -Mary Rose

If you make a man feel that he is inferior, you do not have to compel him to accept an inferior status, for he will seek it himself. -George G. Woodson

Emotional abuse exists apart from physical or sexual abuse, as incredibly destructive to an emerging sense of self. -Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D

Power is embedded in our society and makes its way into relationships through control. -Mary Rose

The violence committed by a serial bully is almost entirely psychological, for psychological violence leaves no scars and no physical evidence. -Bully Online

Manipulators often know what buttons to push, when to do so and how hard to press. Our lack of self-awareness can easily set us up to be exploited. -George K. Simon

Covert aggression is at the heart of most manipulation. – George K. Simon

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence.

Her insecurity about herself and her idealization of him offer the perfect opening for his manipulation. -Dr. Robin Stern

…All forms of sexual manipulation carried out by the perpetrator with the intention or perceived intention to cause emotional, sexual, and physical degradation to another person. -M. Abraham

Whether you were emotionally abused as a child or an adult, the messages were meant to belittle, devalue, shame, and ultimately control. -Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D

The objectives of serial bullies are power, control, domination and subjugation. -Bully Online

…An ongoing process in which one individual systematically diminishes and destroys the inner self of another. The essential ideas, feelings, perceptions, and personality characteristics of the victim are constantly belittled. -M. T. Loring

Abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you. -Dr. Jeanne Segal

Sexual abuse includes behaviors that fall under legal definitions of rape, plus physical assaults to the sexual parts of a person’s body, and making sexual demands with which one’s partner is uncomfortable. -L. L. Marshall

One thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners. -National Domestic Violence Hotline

Controllers have beliefs of entitlement that they get to do harmful things to others. -Dr. Lynne Namka

Anyone who tries to convince a woman that she is unworthy or deserves psychological, verbal, or physical abuse, is wrong and needs help. Even if a woman consents to acts of harmful aggressive physical or sexual behavior by another, it is still a form of violence and it is abuse.

Join me on Twitter @DestinysWomen

(c) By April McCallum, Destiny’s Women™ – “Championing the Life, Freedom & Destiny of Women”

Warning Signs & Red Flags: Abuse Defined


Domestic Violence: But He Really is a Good Person

How many times have you heard a woman say these words after she’s been abused: “But he really is a good person”. She then goes into all of the things that have been difficult in his life, all of the things that have kept him down and made him a victim.

The Victim Card

As if to say what?  He really doesn’t mean to be a bad person. Just look at his life, the cards were stacked against him. As if to say: Because of his past, he doesn’t have a personal choice in his future actions? As if to say: If those bad things didn’t happen in his life he wouldn’t be the way he is today. Wouldn’t he?

Over and over we have seen statistics and read stories about women who have been caught in the storm of violence perpetrated by a husband or lover—someone she knows intimately.  They sit on their friends’ couches, in their therapist’s office, in a bar, or at a police station, with their bruises, cuts and outward scars. They say things like: “But he really is a good person.  I know he didn’t mean to do it.  He loves me.”

The Past Does Not Dictate the Future

We have to stop and think. We have to stop and think for ourselves. We all make choices. We all have the opportunity to make good choices or bad choices–choices that will eventually affect other people for better or worse.

Have you ever known a person who had difficult or even heartbreaking circumstances growing up, that ended up being a good person who made good choices?  A person who, even under tragic or seemingly hopeless circumstances, lived a life that positively impacted others and the world around them?  In my experience, the answer is a resounding “yes!”  No one really just “ends up” being anything. We all make decisions—based on our past, present, future, or some mindset or belief—but we make them. WE make them.

I have known people whose lives were filled with experiences that anyone would consider atrocities, travesties. Some, by one choice at a time, built a life filled with garbage that they in turn, perpetrated on others. They patterned their lives after their own hurt, betrayal and rejection. I have also known people who intentionally built their lives one step at a time, on goodness and wholeness. They made conscious decisions to not pattern their lives on more of the same, rather, to decisively take back control and make something good out of something very bad. Because of their choices, they live positive lives that impact others and the world around them in constructive ways.

Mistake, Accident, or Choice?

There are people who purposely hurt other people for whatever reasons and it is never acceptable. Do people make mistakes and truly regret them? Yes. Do people hurt other people on accident? No, I don’t believe so. Inflicting harm on another person is always intentional. Whether purposely abusing someone, or by claim of mistake or accident, something in a person acts as a catalyst to reach the point of anger, rage or eventual violence.

No matter how we slice it, we don’t even need to know the reasons why or understand what that catalyst is. What we need to do is run. Run hard, run fast, and encourage our loved ones to do the same. Because today we may see a bruise, a cut or a scar outwardly that will eventually mend. But, tomorrow will most certainly reveal inner damage, psychological trauma and scarring that can last a lifetime.

No, he really isn’t a good person. Every human being has the ability to make choices and he has made very bad ones.

Can good people make bad choices sometimes? Yes, of course, but trying to analyze all of the compartments of a person only complicates things. Let’s be clear on the issue of violence and abuse.

If a man physically and/or psychologically abuses a woman, it is not by accident and it is not by mistake… It is by choice.

Statistics Don’t Lie

Statistics don’t lie. The abuse will repeat itself. Love does not choose to hurt another person we claim to love.  And never forget, it is a choice. He needs help, but you are not the one to give it.  While defending him as a victim, you will only become his victim again.

In the worst cases, the reality is that we may not see the bruises, the cuts or the scars tomorrow… because tomorrow may never come.

© by April McCallum, Destiny’s Women

(Photos by Dave Blume, Meg Yarsh, Pietro Izzo)

©Destiny's Women™ is a blog founded, written and published by April McCallum -- "Championing the Life, Freedom and Destiny of Women" Creative Commons License
This work by April McCallum is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.